Two years ago when I first decided to write a blog the first roadblock I faced was what to write about. I wanted to write because I love words, I love stories and I love to connect with people. But as I tossed and turned ideas in my mind, agonised over themes, I found that everything I wrote felt insubstantial, flaky or uninspiring.
Even though I have lived painful experiences and survived a lot of hardship, I struggled to find my voice as a writer and to express myself in an authentic and meaningful way.
After a lot of brainstorming and many trials and errors, I finally had a clear direction and I launched my blog sassysexyinsane.com on Tuesday morning, 9th May 2017.
That very evening my husband died.
That very evening my life was shattered, my future disappeared and I was completely devastated. That very evening was the start of my crazy grief journey.
It’s a journey I would’ve never signed up for, but it’s the journey I am in. My guess is if you are here, reading these words, you or someone you love has been thrusted into a crazy grief journey too. And I am truly sorry that you have arrived here. I wish neither of us had to meet this way, but I am grateful that you have arrived in a safe and understanding place. I won’t trivialise it, I won’t minimise it, I won't dismiss it.
There is nothing good about death. Death sucks. Grief sucks. It's ugly and painful and unfair. I constantly felt afraid, overwhelmed and alone. Often well meaning family and friends tried to help, but what they did or said just ended up hurting me and making me feel even more alone. The reality is, when you lose someone you love you are alone. No one else can relate to your grief because in the same way that your relationship with your loved one who died is unique and exclusive, so is the way your grief.
This crazy grief is yours and yours alone. No one can bear its weight for you, no one can walk this path for you. No one but you can find a way through it. But I have discovered that there were many people who could relate, who did understand, and who didn’t need to fix or solve or make me feel better. They simply were available to be with me in my discomfort and to bear witness to my pain. It was then that I realised that in my loneliness I wasn’t utterly alone, and neither are you.
This site was created out my desire to share my journey and my experience through grief, in the hope that what I've been through, may help others to fell less alone. I never wanted to write about grief, loss or death. It makes me sad that I have so much content to share about it. I wish with all my heart that neither of us ever had to grapple and wrestle with all the turmoil of losing our love ones.
And yet, here we are. We can’t change what happen, we can’t bring them back, we can’t pretend that it doesn’t hurt and we can’t simply move on. What we can do is to find ways in which to support ourselves and others who are going through a crazy grief journey of their own and to learn to carry the weight of our grief as we choose each day to continue to live because our loved ones didn’t get the chance to.
It is my deepest desire that in this site you may find some respite for the overwhelm, some relief for the sorrow, a few practical support for your body and mind, a sense that it is ok not to be okay, and a little bit of comfort in knowing that we can be alone together.