The Things We Take For Granted

I saw two people hugging at the bus stop. Their attention was on the road, waiting for the bus that would take them where they wanted or needed to go. But their bodies where close in a familiar and comfortable way. She was running her hand up and down his back and he was just leaning on her with such easiness like that was his place, that was where both of them belonged. 

And my heart was happy for them because I know that feeling. That feeling of ease, that feeling of belonging that we often take for granted. 

And my heart ached because I've been embraced like that often, but it's no longer something I can have, and I no longer take it for granted. 

If I only knew we had so little time I would've lean on his embrace longer, let him run his hands up and down my back as I hugged him more intensely, more closely, with less hurry to finish the things that seemed so urgent then but is so frivolous now. 

Death is all around. People died everyday in real life and in the movies. I became numb to it, I used to gloss over someone else's sorrow, because after loosing my grandfather, our first baby, my grandmother and both of Jason's parents, death, although no stranger became a part of life I would rather avoid thinking about. 

I was in denial and because I was scared, I used to pray that it would only happen to us when we were old and ready for it. When our children were adults with their own families and their own lives...

But death came 30 years too soon. It ripped me away from his embrace and left grief to embrace me instead. 

And I feel guilty for having taken so much for granted. But that is what we are supposed to do is it not? We are to embrace and laugh and kiss and live as if it's gonna be like this forever, because we were made for forever.

We were not made to die. 

But we do die. The people we love died and we are left behind, as if suddenly awaking in a foreign and arid place with a heavy load to carry but no map, no compass, no instructions and no supplies for the long journey ahead. A place that resembles "no man's land", where every inch is riddled with mines exploding when you least expect.

And now I lay awake every night wondering how do I go on, how do I live this new normal that is anything but normal? 

I want my life back, I want my husband back, I long for his embrace for his voice, for his presence. I long for the things I've taken for granted.

Tatiana HotereComment