I'm scared. Every morning I wake up, after a night of broken sleep and confusing dreams, to this painful reality of living without Jason.

I'm scared I'm reverting back into the helpless, powerless, abandoned little girl I once was.

No father, no mother, and now, no husband. 

But I have two daughters to look after, to care for, to love, to nurture. And I'm scared of not being enough for them, not having enough to give them.

All the brokenness of my childhood, all the feelings of abandonment have come back to haunt me. 

I used to fight. When I felt threatened, whenever I felt scared, or cornered, a lion would come out and I would fight. It was my defence mechanism.

But not, I'm scared and my lion is dead. There is no fight left me only a deep sadness that I can feel inside my bones, making heavy. Making me hollow.

So I want to disappear because this grief is so painful that sometimes I feel like I'm going mad.

I can't make decisions. I struggle to answer simple questions such as 'what do you need' or what I can I do for you'. 

When there are too many calls or messages or people around me I feel overwhelmed to the point of physically shaking.

But if an hour goes by an no one calls, no messages or texts arrive, I feel so neglected to the point of weeping.

I want a break from grieving but the few times when I laughed I am riddled with guilt.

I want the pain to stop because its suffocating, but I don't want the pain to stop because it may mean that I'm forgetting him.

And I don't want ever, ever, to forget him.

We fought more times than we would like to admit. We were two very broken and wounded people who, but he grace of God, the help and love of amazing friends and a lot of hard work, turn all the shit we were we thrown at into manure to build our lives into a garden. 

I have no illusions however. Our garden, that we work so hard to tend was full of weeds and thorns. But it was beautiful and it was full of love and full of respect. It was so different from where we both started. We chose love and we chose not to give up on each other.

He was my cheerleader and I was his. We pushed each other's buttons but we also pushed each other into growth and greatness. We hurt each other. We healed each other.

And now I'm scared. I'm scared that this garden we put everything into creating together will fall into oblivion. I'm scared that I can't do it on my own, that the weeds will take over my mind and the thorns will suffocate me, because I'm feeling like the helpless, powerless, abandoned girl I once was.

Tatiana HotereComment