What Is On My Mind?

What's on your mind? That is the question Facebook asks everytime we log in. But how can I start to describe, how can I put into words what is on my mind as I lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling as I cry quietly trying not to wake my daughters who are asleep beside me. 

What's on my mind? The face of my husband on our wedding day, smiling as I walked out of that white limousine with a bouquet in my hands. And then the cold sleeping face of my husband as they closed his coffin and I stepped into a white limousine to take his body to the grave.

What is on my mind? Thousands of incoherent pieces of the life we had, the life we dreamed about - dreams cut short, a life I will never live.

The air doesn't enter my lungs, the headache doesn't leave my head. I wait in silence, I weep in silence, I pray in silence.

I wonder if God is up there. If He was ever up there or if it has all been a construct of my imagination - Christianese talk and positive thinking. 

What is on my mind? A tsunami of sorrow that overtakes me with such force that I cannot stop it, nor control it, nor stand strong against it any more than I would be able to if I was standing at the beach when a real tsunami hits the shore.

What is on my mind? How am I going to provide for my girls, discipline them, care for them, protect them? How am I going to care for myself?

But then amidst of the sorrow, and the pain, and the doubts comes a glimpse of comfort, like a warm blanket covering me. A gentle whisper reassuring me that I am not alone. And I choose once again to trust in the God who changed my life and in whom my husband and I have put our faith and trust all these years. I am reminded that I do know in whom I believe, and He is faithful to carry me through the valley of the shadow of death. I am weak but He is strong and He has never, and will never leave me nor forsake me. 

And for tonight my mind is at peace.