Permission to Grief

Since Jason passed away I have heard so many people tell me things like: be strong; don’t cry; focus on the positive; don’t dwell on the sadness...

I know those words were spoken with good intentions and the people who have said them meant to show their love and care for me and my girls. I appreciate their hearts, but I cannot force myself to fake positivism, nor to deny my grief. 

It’s been hard for me to embrace the tension that comes with holding on to hope and being grateful amidst the tragedy and pain of loosing my husband. Every one of the 269 days since Jason died have been like an emotionally and mentally bipolar roller coaster. 

But I know that the very hard moments also help me to process my grief and to appreciate the very good moments. Happy-sad goes hand in hand.

It may sound weird, but I had to give myself permission to suffer, permission to be a mess. I had to tell my kids that they don’t need to be strong for me, and that it’s okay to fall apart, because as sure as the sun rises again each morning, we too will rise and fall, but most importantly get another chance each day to try again and again and again. 

Chances are we won’t do this grief thing right, because there is no right way to grief. There is only honest and authentic ways to grief - and yes, it’s messy and uncomfortable. Such is life. 

So, if you are grieving, or going through a bunch of painful emotions, of if you know someone who is, please give yourself and others your unconditional love and non-judging support. None of us is imune to the”bad” emotions. We are all in this together.

Tatiana Hotere