I am originally from Brazil but New Zealand has been my home for since 2003. I am the mother of two beautiful, smart and super awesome teenage girls. 

I am an actress, a writer, a dancer, an artist. I am a lover of God, an appreciator of good food and a designer of beautiful things. 

I was a wife. 

When my husband Jason died, in May 2017, I felt like I had slipped into a nightmare. Nothing made sense, the world became a very scary place and my inner world was in such turmoil that I literally felt like I was loosing my mind. I just wanted to wake up! But my life had become the nightmare and there was no waking up from the terrible reality that the man I love wasn’t coming back, and that my children and I would have to face life without him from then on.

I slipped into a dark and overwhelming depression. I began to struggled with paralysing anxiety, panic attacks and suicide ideation. The intensive emotional pain affected my body so strongly that my autoimmune system and my nervous system collapsed and I became debilitating ill. For months and months I couldn’t work, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t function. Just to get out of bed everyday was a a huge task. I had to be strong for my girls, but I was so broken and distraught that all I wanted was to go to sleep and not wake anymore. I felt guilty for falling apart and for not being able to look after my children, because they were also grieving and struggling to adjust to this new normal. I hate that term “new normal”. Fuck new normal. I just wanted my loving husband  and our old imperfect normal back. 

My relationship with God, with my husband and with my girls were my entire world, but when Jason passed away my faith in God disintegrated under the weight of my grief, and even close friendships became strange. And with no family in New Zealand I felt utterly alone and lost.

So I turned to therapy and to writing. I saw my counsellor every week for over a year and wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote some more. I was cathartic at times, it was painful most of the times, but it also gave me some respite from the constant agony - like when you feel really sick and after you throw up you get some relief even though the sickness is still there. I guess that is what writing was, a throwing up on the page that gave me some brief relief from what couldn't ever be fixed. 

All that writing and all the hours of therapy has given me a lot of insight into my own inner landscape. I discovered that in my loneliness there were people who came along side me from unexpected ways at unexpected times. I also discovered a new way to relate to God and to be kinder and more compassionate with myself.

I hope that by reading about my journey you may find that you are not alone in yours. We are alone in our grief, but when read about or listened to the grief story of others I felt a sense of companionship. And I learned that its is possible to be alone together. 

I am so glad that you found me, but I am also so sorry that our paths have crossed in this way. My guess is that what you brought you here, to these pages, is the heartbreaking grief of the death of someone you love, and the desire to find some solace, some light, some something, some anything, that may help alleviate the never ending ache you are carrying. I know. I am also carrying a never ending ache and I am also looking for safe ways to alleviate the suffering that my crazy grief has thrusted into my life. 

Maybe you can connect with my story, and it's my most sincere desire that you may find some solace and some comfort in the knowledge that you are alone in your crazy grief, maybe we can be alone together. 

Com amor/ With love/ Aroha Nui

Tatiana xoxo